Christmas. A Time For The Double Entendre If Ever There Was One.
This morning, Mrs X asked me what I wanted for Christmas. This took me a little by surprise as a) she should know me well enough to know what I want and b) it’s freaking Christmas Eve. Still, after I naturally told her that all I wanted for Christmas was her, I advised her that if she wanted to go out into the now thawed out wastelands of Stratford, if she could find a Bolton top that’d be nice.
She then advised me that if she can’t find a Bolton top in the Trafford Centre, amongst all the Liverpool, Arsenal and Chelsea ones, what made me think she could find one in Stratford when she has never seen a West Ham one? Somewhere in there was some feminine scouse logic. Suffice to say, I ain’t getting a top for Christmas.
Right, time is short and there’s ice to stick in the Bailey’s, so we’re going to bullet point everything that has happened since our last meeting if that’s OK with you.
1. Michael Ricketts has pleaded guilty to assaulting his missus. First shot he’s got on target since 2002.
2. Danny Ward isn’t going back to Coventry. This is good as a) it’s Coventry and b) Marlon King is a convicted felon who has served time in jail for sexual assault and abh.
3. Dietmar Hamman’s transfer u-turn only made it to number five in TalkSports list of transfer u-turns, beaten by Matt Le Tiss and Mo Johnston, who don’t have form when it comes to beating people, and Gazza and Stevie Gee, who do.
4. Stuart Holden is the best player of the year so far, according to the Bolton fans who read The Guardian. This has come as a shock to people who thought that the majority of Bolton fans read either a) The Sun or b) nothing as we can’t read.
5. Citeh may want to buy Big Al. That’ll be £15million to you small Italian fella.
6. Chairman Phil helped choose David Bernstein over David Dein as the chairman elect of the FA. This proves that, even if relations have thawed with the Arse, we’ll be beggared if we still can’t stick one to them.
7. Peter Odemwingie will be fit for West Brom the Boxing Day game. He’s the Baggies leading scorer. He has less than Elmander. I’m not worried.
8. Marcos Alonso is hoping for some first team action over Christmas. This would mean him taking over from our new most favourite player. So I think it’s safe to have an extra helping of Xmas pud tomorrow Marcos…
9. ….or even Tapas, as that is apparently his new nickname at the club. Makes a difference from Davo, Robbo, Chungy et al.
10. Apparently we were after Jaime Ayovi who has been setting the world slightly alight down Central America way. (Un)fortunately, he has decided to go from one Central American club to another. Seeing as the last central American we had, one J. Borgetti, didn’t exactly settle well, bullet and dodged are a couple of words that spring to mind.
11. We are keeping tabs on Darren Pratley, currently at Swansea. No. Me neither.
12. Carlo Ancelloti is concerned that we will have an advantage due to our extra days rest when the teams meet on the 29th. Suck it up, under pressure fat Italian fella.
13. Fulham may be after Matty Taylor. Bad. Move. All. Round.
14. Andy O’Brien has returned to the club. Relax, he has a bit of a strain so our staff need to look at it as well.
15. Kevin Davies believes he is less of a Bolton celebrity than Vernon Kay. Pur-leahssee….
16. SuperKevinDavies or Gary Cahill. Not, for one second, Rio, Terry, Rooney or the guy who broke poor Cheryl’s heart.
17. The Boxing Day game looks like being Lee Chung-Yong’s last for a while. So he’d better run himself ragged. And if we had an idea of this, why didn’t he play in the last game?
18. It is now seven days on Gardening Leave watch.
Right, we’re done. May I wish each and everyone of you, even you, a Merry Christmas and hope that you get what you want. Like a Bolton top. We’ll be back on Boxing Day. Headaches and Sales permitting.