Date: 31st May 2012 at 3:14pm
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At the end of the last episode, Bilton Dunderers chairman, Gil Fartslime, had gone to drain the main vein. We pick up now, after he hasn’t washed his hands.

Gil, a lot always gets made as regards the £1billion debt the club has to our owner, and no more so than the end of last season.

You’re right, and who can blame those that go on about it. Pardon me whilst I light this cigar with a £20 note. Anyway, we always hear about it and people think that it is a massive burden on the club. They couldn’t be more wrong.

It is a super massive burden on the club.

I mean, we have a debt, yes, but it is to our chairman, Mr Barry Laurence Zacariah Bub. And our bank debt is little more than 50p, which in football terms is a nano second of Pratt Blight’s new contract.

With Mr BLZ Bub, you could call it an investment, especially as his offshore company, Welcometohell Inc. takes about a sixteen percent return over the gross outfall of the perpendicular investment at three times the national average of the gross domestic profit of the small tax haven island of Burnleyscum. You follow? Anyway, he has funded this club for eleven years through his family’s investment in heated cattle prods.

We have been very fortunate to have that backing, although I still don’t know where he keeps my soul. Locked in a box in his toilet, I’d suspect.

He wants to continue to back us, which is good news as I want it back one of these days.

How are we as regards the other key areas, such as kit, shirt sponsor and, of course, the stadium naming rights? That’s something a lot of fans have been asking about. Will it still be the Sunblock Stadium next season?

Well, we have obviously entered into a new shirt deal with Addisababa and we expect Nigerian virgin women to be making our kits for the next four years, at a cost of 10p per shirt which will cost about £50 in the club shop. Relegation means we have to bump the shirt price up, you see, and Addisababa shirts are usually quite pricy. We made quite a bit of history as we moved on from our long history with our old supplier, Reecack.

To be fair, Reecack have given us quite a load of old pony over the past few years. Who can forget the tea towel, the bib, the morris dancer and the pile of sick? This season’s top was put together by bits of old material found at the bottom of Stuart Golden’s kit bag. I believe it came mostly from old jockstrap. Extra large as well, if people are to be believed.

The new kit will be available for just before the first game and the club shop is getting a makeover. We’re partitioning two thirds of it off as we think footfall will fall off dramatically. Depending on the future, we’re thinking of turning it into a brothel or a noodle shop. Or both.

We also have an excellent relationship with 666BET and we expect them to be around a VERY long time.

As for the stadium, unfortunately, it will have to remain as Sunblock until we can get shut of the name in 2014 and get a top market name. Like Woolies.

So, we are pretty much on track for next season, any final thoughts?

I wished the season started tomorrow, so we could get some more money coming in.

We have a great club, great support and a good young manager who, as he says himself, has learnt a lot from the past season……sorry, this isn’t the 1999 interview is it? OK, let me start again. We have a club, great support and a manager. Who could want more?

We have a young squad, who are cheap and raring to go on their holidays, and young lads coming through the academy who cost next to nothing and we want more local players to make that step. Just last week we took on three local lads, Fred Dibnah, Mark Radcliffe and Monica Ali who we have high hopes for.

We have had great support and, to pinch something Owen said, you either move on or you get moved on. And I think we can all learn something from my actions last season in that regard.

Gil, thanks for your time.

And thank you for sucking up to me. Now, get out of my office and send in Vernon Kay.

 

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