Date: 5th September 2012 at 6:04pm
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Gérald Cid gives us his thoughts on who, if anyone, should replace Owen Coyle as Bolton Wanderers manager.

As you know, here at Vital Bolton we have exclusive access to former Bordeaux, Istres and Nice defender, Gérald Cid, who was recently voted the worst Bolton Wanderers player to have ever played for Bolton Wanderers in the past two thousand years (yes, even worse than Mario Jardel and Ibrahim Ba) and the next two thousand years.

Although Gérald did not have the best of times at T’Reebok, he still keeps a keen eye on things in Horwich. So, with a break in the football, we sent him an email asking him for his ideas on who could replace Owen Coyle as Bolton Wanderers manager. After translation, cutting out the swear words and the usual death threats to Gary Megson, here is what Gérald had to say:

Allo, roast beefs. Cid here. I would like to thank Vital Bolton for contacting me again and asking me to give my thoughts on the managerial situation at Bolton Wanderers. Before I start, you may be interested to know that I have recently changed clubs again. After relegation with my previous club, Le Farmers, to the Le Havre Sunday League Fifth Division, my contract was once again terminated by mutual consent. I have now signed for Pierre’s Bistro 1st XI and you can see me ply my footballing trade every Sunday at 8pm behind the gasworks of the old town in Toulouse.

Anyway, to the managerial situation. I do not know Owen Coyle. However, knowing Phil Gartside like I do, I can only assume that he is already onto his agent and looking for the next manager. I feel sorry for Coyle. How was he to know that Ricardo Vaz Te, Joey O’Brien, Matthew Taylor and Ali Al-Habsi would turn out so well? I call the fact that all four are turning in excellent performances in the Premier League whilst he has been saddled with Zat Knight coincidene, n’est pas?

If asked for some ideas of a replacement for him, I have had a look at the usual candidates, Mike McCartney, Trebor Bassett, Ian Downie, Phil Howbrown and Alain Curbishlee and have found them all to be wanting in one area or another. I feel that the names below should be given to Phil Gartside as a possible short list and would give my match fee of one of Pierre’s cheap bottles of wine if I am proved wrong.

Nadine Coyle: Now, I know what you are thinking. Why am I including an Irish person in this list. Obviously, she is a foreigner, but then so, officially, is Owen Coyle. I think appointing her would bring a lot of positives to the club. First, it wouldn’t cost as much to repaint the managers name on the door, secondly she would look a lot better on the touchline wearing a pair of shorts and thirdly she could appoint Cheryl Cole as defensive coach. Well, she couldn’t do much worse than Steve Davis. In fact, maybe Bolton could appoint the snooker player Steve Davis as a coach. He was always safety first. If Bolton appoint Nadine, then it may bring a lot of attention to the club and, for a time, fill up the seats. It is just a thought.

A contraceptive coil: Again, already a better defensive coach than Steve Davis and it is 99.5% effective in stopping any kind of penetration of the defensive wall. Whilst it may not be as vocal as, say, a human being, its past results speak for themselves. And this is a results based business. It is just a thought.

Clive Owen: Many say that in a film of his life, George Clooney would play Owen Coyle. I disagree. I feel that the English actor and star of Chancer may just fit the bill. He knows a bit about football as he was in An Evening with Gary Lineker, and if he was to replace Coyle on the bench, some of the more short sighted mob from the Lofthouse Lower wouldn’t notice for about three weeks. Also partly shares his name. Plus, he is a better defensive coach than Steve Davis. It is just a thought.

Sammy Lee: I like Sammy, as he played me in most of the games before he was fired. He is already a better defensive coach than Steve Davis and knows the club. I feel that he was unfairly maligned as a manager and that there are many positives to be taken from any positivity that his positivity can bring. And that, to me, is a positive. It is just a positive thought.

Emma Davies: A bit of a one from left field here. She has managerial experience from being at Discreet Logic (Montreal) and The Mill and Mill Film (London). She has also been to the Oscars, so she knows a lot of famous people, including Sue Barker. Maybe she could get Sly Stallone to play like he did in Escape to Victory. Her half time team talks may be a problem however as she always seems to have forgotten what she has said previously and then blames everyone for having a go at her, a bit like Megson. A plus point is that she obviously prefers a big man up top, banging them in. It is just a thought.

Bill Owen: Compo, from Last of the Summer Wine. I loved that programme when I was in England. He could come in character and then scare the players onto the pitch to do their jobs properly or he will strip down to his undies at half time. He would also save money on repainting the managers door, although it wouldn’t be as neat and tidy or symmetrical. May fall down on the fact that he died in 1999, but he is still a better defensive coach than Steve Davis. It is just a thought.

You: Yes. You. You think that you can do a better job than Owen Coyle, don’t you? I know that you wouldn’t have re-signed Zat Knight, preferring instead to play your mother. Or your grandmother. But this isn’t Football Manager, otherwise I’d have a World Cup winners medal by now. I know that you are already a better defensive coach than Steve Davis, but football management is a hard job. I’m not saying that you shouldn’t express your feelings, you pay the money. But all us footballers want is for you to get behind us. If you don’t like what is happening at the club, you don’t have to support that particular part of the club. But booing a team at half time. That didn’t even happen when I was there. So, against Watford, don’t let the fact that the defence is falling over itself (blame Steve Davis), and don’t blame the fact that the long ball isn’t working for the hundredth time. This is your team. It needs your support. Boo into your beer later. It is just a thought.
And then come on here and let Mr X know what you feel. He can take it.

Right, I have had tres fun catching up with all my friend from Bolton. I will return in the future. Until then, take care my roast beef friends. And, remember. Sunday at 8pm behind the gasworks of the old town in Toulouse.

Merci et au revoir.


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