Date: 20th August 2015 at 12:51pm
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Some more future predicting- this time from Anthony Hart. Read on to see what the future has in store for the Whites

As Bolton pushed on in vain for an equaliser at Stadium MK on Tuesday night, a few started to sing ‘Will we ever score again?’

Now we will, obviously. But what if? What if we didn’t score a goal all season? This is how it probably wouldn’t pan out…

AUGUST

Dougie returns to the Macron to a chorus of jeers from one part of the ground. The Bolton fans boo him too. Matt Mills powers a header into the top corner from a set piece six minutes in, and try as they might, the Whites just can’t break down Forest’s ten men behind the ball. During a goalless draw at Ewood Park the following week, Sky’s commentators utter the words ‘This is a bit boring.’ They never appear on air again.

SEPTEMBER

Bolton enter the loan market once that window opens and finally land Gary Hooper. He makes his debut away to Huddersfield. Disaster strikes though as he dislocates his kneecap in the first five minutes and has to be replaced by Emile Heskey. Bolton lose 1-0. Hooper is ruled out for the season, as it takes that long to get back to Norwich to be assessed by their medical staff.

OCTOBER

A 0-0 draw at QPR makes it 12 league games without a goal, a new League record. After the international break, the Trotters travel to Burnley. Finally, a lifeline. Bolton get a penalty in the 91st mnute after Wellington Silva bamboozles Matt Lowton at Turf Moor and is brought down in the area. Gary Madine steps up. The Wanderers fans behind the goal are making all the noise, Madine begins his run up, but blazes it over the bar. The chance of a first goal, and a first win is gone.

NOVEMBER

Another international break, and Neil Lennon takes a bit of time out to watch Northern Ireland’s Euro 2016 playoff with Sweden. Kyle Lafferty puts the Green and White Army through with a 94th minute away goal in Stockholm. He raises his hands almost in disbelief, then starts sobbing. ‘I’ve forgotten what it’s like to score a goal.’

DECEMBER

Bolton’s goal drought is now the butt of all jokes. A @MariLADBantertelli Twitter account posts a joke about the new sex position, called the Bolton. The joke is redacted for this family website, but needless to say, about 26 other accounts nick the same joke. Bob Geldof releases a special single, ‘Feed the Wanderers’ which reaches 52 in the charts.

JANUARY

The FA Cup draws Bolton with Conference, sorry, National League side Grimsby Town. After a 0-0 draw at Blundell Park and another one at the Macron in front of just 2,123 fans, 1,000 being from Grimsby, Bolton somehow miss all five penalties, before a Grimsby player scores just one to knock Wanderers out. Neil Lennon is sacked the following morning.

FEBRUARY

Owen Coyle, sacked back in November as Houston Dynamo manager, returns to the Macron for a second spell after rival candidate Graham Westley pulls out. Bolton are relegated with just 10 points after a 0-0 draw at home to QPR, who earlier in the week had their relegation to non-league football overturned.

MARCH

As the loan window is about to close, the whole footballing world wants Bolton to score. Bayern, who won the Bundesliga title back in January, spectacularly loan out Arjen Robben and Robert Lewandowski. Still though, the drought goes on.

APRIL

In a game against Charlton, Bolton get another penalty. Arjen Robben steps up. Stephen Henderson, between the sticks for Charlton, walks away to let Robben have an open goal, but it hits both posts before Lewandowski skies it into the North Stand. A Brazilian film crew arrives, to make a documentary titled ‘O Clube Sem Golos’

MAY

One more game to score a goal. Fulham v Bolton is picked for TV, just so everyone can have a laugh.Bolton have 23 shots on target but an inspired performance from Andy Lonergan keeps Wanderers at bay. In his post-match interview Lonergan says ‘Well, if I conceded Id never be able to live with the shame. The only guy not to get two clean sheets against Bolton? Nah, not for me.’

 

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