Date: 15th May 2010 at 12:33pm
Written by:

The bit we like to call BC.

Pre-Season
Ginger hobgoblin Gary Megson promises to play a new adventurous style of football. To prove this he buys Aston Villa`s reserve central defender Zat Knight, Hull City`s reserve right back Sam Ricketts and “secures” the loan of West Brom defender Paul Robinson. Fans of the Baggies put Robinson in a taxi, wave goodbye with crocodile tears in their eyes and then hold a street party that lasts until November. Attempted block of M60/M61 junction by Bolton fans fails as the ginger hobgoblin arranges helicopter to fly him in from Knutsford Services. Sean Davis signs from Portsmouth on a free transfer and immediately causes confusion in the shirt printing department of the souvenir shop. This alleviates somewhat when, just after the season starts, he sees who he is playing for, gets himself sent off, then goes home and falls down the stairs five times on purpose until his leg is nice and damaged. To try and make up for all these defensive players, the ginger hobgoblin signs some Korean that no one has heard of. When asked what he is going to do to win the fans over, the hobgoblin shows his plans for removing every seat in the ground, cementing up the turnstiles and having armed guards on the players entrance on match day as “That will stop them coming in and giving me a hard time”.

Best McCormick Headline: It`s Open Season on Bolton Fans (And not for the last time)

August
Sunderland and Liverpool pass through the Reebok and both collect three points. Former assistant manager and all round advert for factor 30 Phil Brown welcomes Bolton to the KC and takes three of the few points he will get all season. Sean Davis injuries the aforementioned leg. Bolton fans injure their craniums in a collective head banging. A glimmer of light is found in a Carling Cup victory over Tranmere, but let`s remember just where Tranmere were at the end of the season and who was managing them at the time of the game. In a move of either Allardyce career revitalisation or Sammy Lee career suicide proportions, the ginger hobgoblin moves for Nantes striker Ivan Klasnic, a player who has received both his parents kidneys in the past two years and will soon receive a punch in that area from the soon to be announced dad of the year. Bolton finish the month in 19th position.

Best McCormick Headline: You Don`t Know What You`re Doing, Mr Megson. (Not for the last time)

September
Things look up as Bolton go the month unbeaten. Portsmouth are beaten at Fratton Park by a last minute Matty Taylor goal, Stoke are held to a draw at the Reebok by a last minute Matty Taylor goal and Birmingham are beaten at St. Andrews with the unknown Korean scoring his first for the club. Tamir Cohen scores three goals in a month and people are left wondering why he wasn`t a regular before. Cohen will fail to score for the rest of the season. Gary Cahill is called up by England again. And fails to get off the bench. Again. Bolton beat West Ham in the Carling Cup but rumours that West Ham aren`t taking the competition seriously are proved correct when they let Johan Elmander score. Bolton finish the season in thirteenth.

Best McCormick Headline: Megson Signs His Own Death Warrant. (After Gaz had told the press he wasn`t bothered if he had sent the fans home happy.)

October
Spurs take a 2-2 draw away from the Reebok after Bolton just cannot finish them off despite being the better team for long periods. This will not be the last time this happens against Spurs. A fortnight later, Zat Knight`s arse scores an own goal in an unlucky defeat in Stretford. The win in the following game against Everton sees Bolton soar to the vertiginous heights of twelth. They would never be this high again. A 4-0 defeat in the Carling Cup at Stamford Bridge has Bolton fans actually singing the ginger hobgoblins name and the ginger hobgoblin actually acknowledge the fans. This irony is not lost on people when Chelsea come to the Reebok the following Saturday and replicate the score, although in mitigation Bolton have a man sent off and Zat Knight doubles his tally of own goals. Over the season Bolton receive five red cards, thereby finally confirming what everyone thinks they know. Bolton finish the month in fifteenth place.

Best McCormick Headline: It`s Time To Slap Tim Cahill Again (And why not?)


November
Bolton go the whole month without a win, only picking up one point. First off the team get an utter spanking at Villa. Then former manager Big Sam Allardyce manages to inspire his Blackburn team to a 2-0 win at the Reebok, even though he is under heavy sedation and lying on a hospital gurney with the inside of his chest exposed to the world. When asked how this had happened, the ginger hobgoblin replies that it was typical of Bolton fans, living in the past. When advised that during the game Allardyce had actually flatlined, Megson blames his ghost. A 1-1 draw at Fulham ended the month which Bolton finish in eighteenth, back in the relegation zone.

Best McCormick Headline: Kevin Davies – We Need More Cliches (After SuperKev had managed to squeeze seventeen of them into one sentence)

December
Santa comes early for Wolves on December 5th when Bolton decide they don`t like the look of eighteenth place and that nineteenth seems a much more comfortable position to launch a four game unbeaten run from. First Man Citeh manage to scab a 3-3 draw, even after they have been reduced to ten men when Craig Bellamy, the friend to every African child, pulls a 9.2 inside the Bolton area. West Ham are then summarily despatched, but there is nothing new there. A Matty Taylor special earns a point against the team from North Dingleshire before Sun Tan Phil and his infighting Hull crew visit the Reebok.

Now, no one needs to be reminded what happened on this day. Suffice to say that the ginger hobgoblins decision to replace Ivan Klasnic with Gavin McCann, ignoring the wide array of attacking options on the bench while 2-1 ahead, encapsulated his whole regime. That Hull scored virtually straight away was never in doubt. That McCann exacerbated this folly by immediately getting booked should not be a surprise.

The next morning Gill Fartslime puts a gun to the ginger hobgoblins head, takes him out to the garden, gives him a shovel and puts him out of our misery.

With Bolton finishing the year still in the relegation zone in eighteenth and Scooby and Shaggy in temporary charge, the search begins for a new manager. Where it takes us, very few saw on that post Christmas day.


Best McCormick Headline: Gary Megson, You are the Weakest Link. Goodbye. (Like there could be another one).


 

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