Date: 16th May 2010 at 12:21pm
Written by:

Or Happy Days Are Here Again!!!

January:
With Scooby and Shaggy in situ, Lincoln are removed easily from the FA Cup. Rumours start to circulate that Bolton are looking to nab former striker and all round good egg Owen Coyle from North Dingleshire. Tony Livesey has near apoplexy on North West Tonight. After more furtive late night discussions than took place between the Tory`s and Lib Dem`s after the general election, St Owen Coyle of Burnden is appointed manager. Stan Collymore calls Bolton “rotten to the core” on TalkSport. He says this whilst looking in the mirror without a hint of irony. Burnley chairman and Churchill the Dog look-a-like Barry Kilby calls it a “sideways move” and Burnley fans spend the rest of the season calling Coyle a “Judas” and hilariously changing his Wikipedia entry to this effect. By the end of the month virtually St Owen`s entire backroom team have joined him at the Reebok, recognising a sinking ship when they see one and leaving all the rats behind, although a lot of rats consider Burnley to be the sink estate of ratdom. Due to the weather and the fact that no one at Arsenal had bothered to turn the TV on and watch the weather forecast, St Owen`s first scheduled match is postponed. Due to a fluke in the fixture list, this means that, when Arsenal eventually get round to sweeping their pitch, they play Bolton twice in a week. After an impressive performance and loss at the Reebok, St Owen takes his new team to the Emirates where they race into a two goal lead. Arsenal get back into the game after Mark Davies` attempt to break William Gallas` foot with his ankle fails and Arsenal score. The game finishes 4-2. St Owen initially calls the tackle an “assault” but soon rescinds this as he had walked past the Arsenal crèche before the game and noticed a little lad called Jack playing with a football. He asks Mr Arsing Vinegar if he can borrow the lad for a bit as Tamir Cohen has forgotten how to score goals. Mr Vinegar agrees. Mr Mancini of Manchester City agrees to let Bolton borrow Vladimir Weiss as he has too many players anyway and he can`t be expected to remember all their names. Burnley fans show their lack of intelligence when they visit the Reebok for their expected loss and wave fake currency with St Owen`s face on it, having not yet fully grasped the idea that he didn`t actually move for his own financial consideration. Eminent psychiatrists decide that Burnley fans will finally get over it sometime in 2032. At the end of the month Bolton visit Liverpool for their annual Anfield defeat. Bolton finish January in sixteenth place and in the fifth round of the FA Cup after beating Sheffield United.

Best McCormick Headline: Will the Last Person to Leave Turn the Light Out? (On the ever mounting exit from Turf Dour)

February:
Bolton attempt to go through February winless and goaless in the league, highlighting the main problem that St Owen has. The lack of a regular goalscorer. At this point in the season the top goalscorer is defender Gary Cahill but his goalscoring feats cease when he nearly dies of a blood clot that he recovers from within two weeks. This proves he is harder than the whole Arsenal team put together. A draw against Fulham is followed by a defeat at Citeh, a draw at Wigan and then a loss at Blackburn, a game in which Bolton are run so ragged by Blackburn the referee, Chris Foy, can`t keep up and has to be replaced by Lee Probert. Stan Collymore giggles up his sleeve and Burnley fans revel in the fact that, never mind a sideways move, their former manager may have made a downwards move. In the Cup, Bolton show the way that they can actually play in the first half of the home tie against Spurs. Well, the way they can actually play before they get into the box. Spurs have the better of the second half and the game goes to a replay, where Bolton are torn a new one. Bolton eventually get a win, their first since Burnley, against Wolves in the last game of the month, with the ever improving Zat Knight managing to find the opposition net rather than his own. Due to the tight nature of the relegation fight, the victory lifts Bolton out of the relegation zone and up to fifteenth. They never appear in the bottom three again.

Best McCormick Headline: Borefest At The Cowpatch. (After the 0-0 action free game at Wigan)

March:
Bolton win their second game in a row at West Ham, making it the longest winning run of the season. Yes, two games. Little munchkin Jack Wilshere scores his first goal for the club and Arsenal fans wish they had someone like him in their midfield so that Cesc Fabregas can nurse the current injury he has, whichever one it is this week. Overconfidence leads to a 4-0 thumping at Sunderland before Wigan visit the Reebok and get beaten by the same score with Fabrice Muamba finally managing to get a shot on target, thereby scoring. A landmark goal, as they say in FM2010. The next two games see the goal shy version of Bolton return as they lose 2-0 at Everton before Stretford visit the Reebok and bang in four. Elsewhere in the Premier League, Sun Tan Phil gets the tin tack and is replaced by failed Championship manager Ian Dowie rather than failed Premier League manager Gary Megson, with actions speaking louder than words. This doesn`t stop Hull falling through the trap door by season end. Bolton finish the month in fifteenth place.

Best McCormick Headline: Suntan Bites the Dust as Hull Go into Panic Mode

April:
Bolton start off April as they left off March with a loss at perennial late season bottlers Aston Villa. A visit to Chelsea turns into more of a game of “spot the obvious hand ball” as Bolton are denied two stonewall penalties and lose 1-0. The week after, Stoke outplay Bolton in every department but in the last ten minutes Matty Taylor scores two goals. The Bolton squad then sneak out of the Britannia Stadium wearing masks and stripey jumpers such is the nature of the smash and grab. Stan Collymore apologises. Unfortunately it is only for calling Bolton names and not for being Stan Collymore. A win in the following home game against already relegated Portsmouth would see Bolton safe, but they throw away a two goal lead to draw 2-2. This means a point is still needed to absolutely guarantee safety. Bolton finish the month in fourteenth place. And Richard McCormick, editor of this page for three years, announces his resignation. This means that Arsenal fans and turfmanphil will now have to look elsewhere to have a moan. For now.

Best McCormick Headline: And It’s Goodbye From Me. (We all shed a tear Rich, we really did)

May:
Bolton narrowly lose at Spurs but are safe as Hull and Burnley couldn`t save themselves, even if they tried. By appointing Dowie and Laws it is plain that they didn`t even do that. The club releases images of the third new home kit in three seasons, but this one is a blessed relief after the apron (2008-09) and the barcode (2009-10). It is actually mostly white. The team wear the kit in the final game of the season and win 2-1. Bolton finish the season in fourteenth place and all is well with the world. Mostly. Ish.

 

2 Replies to “The Season in Review: Part 2”

  • Looking back all we can really say is thank the lord for Hull, Burnley and Portsmouth while extending a warm welcome to Newcastle, W Brom and Blackpool/Cardiff. Let’s hope at least two of them run true to form. Wigan and Wolves have the potential to be the new Hull and if West Ham do go for Grant they must be mad.

  • This means that Arsenal fans and turfmanphil will now have to look elsewhere to have a moan. Dont you believe it…. before during and after we play Le-Arse the Gooners will be here. Whingefest at the Reebok. We are due to stuff it up the Arse* again soon.

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