Date: 21st May 2010 at 12:59pm
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A voting system so flawed, Robert Mugabe and Mahmoud Ahmadinejad are sending observers over to put it right.

There was a deep hush at X Towers last night as we collated the votes to decide the four awards in this years Vital Bolton player of the year. A number of dignitaries attended the inaugural event in what is bound to be an extra special entry in the calendar for years to come. Forget your Oscars, forget your BAFTA`s, forget your best kissing scene at the MTV Awards. This, my friends, is the be all and end all of award ceremonies.

Mrs X was in attendance, looking resplendent in her t shirt and jeans. Mrs Henderson from no 72 attended, but under the pretext of coming round to borrow some sugar from us so her husband didn`t follow her, although that`s not what she told the police when they attended within twelve minutes. Our goldfish Bert and Ernie were also there, but they can`t remember it. Unfortunately none of the winners on the night could attend but we have made the club aware of the results. As of yet, we have had no reply.

The first award was for Bolton Wanderers Defender of the Year. In a season that Gary Cahill was again called up to the England squad and then nearly died, Zat Knight gave some towering performances and Gretar Steinsson got another tattoo, the surprise joint winners were Paul Robinson and Jlloyd Samuel, both blowing away the opposition with 41% of the vote. When Mrs X opened the envelope, she took one look at the result and mumbled something about Muppets and Drugs, but I couldn`t make out the rest. This is Jlloyd`s first award since the school keepy uppy award in Year 8. Paul Robinson, as you are no doubt aware, was in the PFA Championship Team of the Year in 2007-08. But, then again, so was Danny Shittu.

The midfield award was hotly contested, what with Lee Chung Yong, Jack Wilshere and Fabrice Muamba all having good seasons. Imagine the surprise of Mrs X, opening the envelope as proxy to Bert and Ernie, that our nocturnal chum, Gavin “The Badger” McCann had come out on top. I explained to Mrs X that Bolton fans hold The Badger in high regard as he was the catalyst for the former manager getting fired. Mrs X then mumbled something about N`Gog and Benitez but, again, I couldn`t make it out.

Mrs Henderson, crying with the emotion of it all, agreed to open the striker award, jokingly adding “as long as I can go”. Yet more slapping of heads ensued when the name “Johan Elmander” was revealed. Even Mrs Henderson couldn`t believe this one, shouting “No! No! No!” with such emotion, next door must have called the police. When they turned up, they were incredulous as well, asking for the envelope as it was “evidence”. After an initial refusal, we all agreed that it might be best to discuss the results down at Bow Road Police Station. They even gave me a lift.

At the station I removed the final award from the place I had hidden it (you don`t want to know) and opened it myself as there was no one left. The Player of the Year award went to Johan Elmander, making it two awards on the night. Due to my banging my head on the cell door and shouting about conspiracies and voter rigging, they have found me a nice room at Highgate. During the day the sun shines on my face and I feel happy.

As you can ascertain, there is not much in the news today about T`Wanderers. SuperKev has told the former BEN that we need to invest in more firepower, but this falls into the “bleeding” and “obvious” bracket and until we actually get hold of this firepower there isn`t really much to discuss. The captain talks about the competition for places up front and acknowledges that the club has had great strikers in the past when he has been there and he has always stayed in the side. I`ve already said that there is no doubt that the captain is coming towards the end of his career, but compared to what we had last season it was more whitewash than competition. Whether he can fit into a new system is an interesting question for another day, but he has managed to come out at the top of the scoring charts in he past two seasons and isn`t yet into pensionable years like the captain of Stretford. He also appears to have used Ricky Gardner`s line of “I feel as though I can still play and do a job for the team and I`m enjoying every minute of it”, which is more or less what the Jamaican said a couple of weeks ago.

Sean “Without an E” Davis has also been speaking to the former BEN about his recovery. During the season round up I said that Davis would be like a new signing, blah blah etc. He has mentioned that while in treatment Joey O`Brien and RVT kept his spirits up, RVT probably banging his head on the treatment room door in a comedy stylee every day (this just in, it was actually accidental every day). And who`s this Joey O`Brien?

And finally, we are in the market for Miguel Veloso and Leroy Lita. Just kidding.


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