Date: 22nd May 2007 at 11:52am
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Reports of the demise of Bolton Wanderers continue, with every key member of the club leaving. Here are a few of the gems that have appeared in the media over the past few days.

Jussi Jaaskelainen, Goalkeeper – Over the last two seasons has been linked to Man Utd, Arsenal, Portsmouth and Wigan. Yes you did read that last one right. Now he`s off to Sunderland. Because it`s closer to Finland. Well, it`s as good an explanation as any.

Mike Forde, Peformance Director – A target for Fat Lying Sam at Newcastle. Before you go, could you explain why Bolton`s performances in 2007 were so awful? Ta.

Mark Taylor, Head of Sports Science – Also wanted by FLS to deal with Newcastle`s sick note epidemic.

El Hadji Diouf, Spitter, Diver, Drunk Driver and Partaker in Late Night Disturbances -Is in talks with Benfica, according to the Manchester Evening News. They also describe him as a ‘cult` figure. A misspelling, surely.

Tal Ben Haim, Defender – The ever reliable Tribal report that Chelsea will quadruple his weekly wage from £8,000 to £40,000. Someone can’t do multiplication.

Nicolas Anelka, Cheery Soul – Joining Juventus. Accounts detailing this contain the phrases, ‘it is thought`, ‘has been linked`, ‘it is said` and ‘has been reported`. In other words it`s unsubstantiated tripe.

Lofty the Lion – Reportedly stalling over a new deal. Is being lined up to replace Barclay the Bluebird at Cardiff.

Spazzy Darren, Legendary Fan and Dancer – Has been tapped up to join the Geordie faithful on the terraces at St James Park. Will fit in seamlessly.

Doris the Cleaner – Doris has been keeping the Reebok spic and span since 2001. Allegedly had a Monica Lewinsky moment with Fat Lying Sam. She`ll need a bigger team to cope with St James Park and an oxygen mask to get up the fourteen flights of stairs in the North Stand.

The Living Dead who run the Snack Bars – No rumours about this lot yet. One can only hope.

Nicky Hunt, Liability – As reported on this very site. Yes, we made it up, but at least we`re honest about it.

Kevin Nolan, Fat Swine – Daily Mirror muppet, Alan Nixon said that Nolan was leaving. Definitely. No question about it. Nolan denied it ten minutes later, although he could change his mind if it turns out there are some decent pie shops on Tyneside.

There`s more to come. It`s going to be a long summer.


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