Date: 12th December 2010 at 9:14pm
Written by:

…and maybe Blackburn Rovers.

Take a look at this picture. It is the picture of a man who is purporting to be a referee.

WARNING: This man is not a referee.

Oh yes, he may have the qualifications, but so did Dr Crippen. This man has been hiding behind his exam passes for years, but his heinous crimes can no longer go unpunished.

In just ninety short minutes today he did:

a) Not give Kevin Davies as many fouls as he should have, due to his not liking said Mr Davies and in line with his previous form of not giving Mr Davies anything.

b) not give Martin Petrov a goal due to some perceived slight from a man from over there who is doing rather well over here, when replays have shown that nothing of the sort happened.

c) not give Bolton a penalty when beardie Frenchie, Gail Platt, upended Sam Ricketts in the area, even though I could see it from the other end of the ground

d) sent off Mark Davies, probably the second nicest man at Bolton Wanderers, for a second bookable offence after the real perpetrator, Phil Jones, had headbutted his elbow. Jones himself was on a yellow card for scything down former misfiring Swede, Johan Elmander, in a tackle that can only be described as ‘cynical’. As soon as Mr Davies Jnr. had left the pitch, Jones’s fractured skull turned out to be nothing more than a scratch.

e) yeah, not giving Blackburn anything for the Holden tackle or the Knight handball.

f) not give Martin Olsson a red card for his mile high tackle on Johan Elmander. Luckily for Olsson, Elmander is a real man and got up and got on with the game, unlike Phil Jones who probably cried for his mummy because those ‘nasty Bolton boys are bullying me’.

g) allowed Blackburn to time waste in the first half and then only gave one minute injury time, but when Bolton tried the same trick, first booked Gary Cahill, told Jussi Jaaskelainen off and then added six of the most unneeded minutes ever known to man onto the second half.

h) be Mark Clattenburg

I will remind you that this man has previously allowed an assault by the well known felon, known locally as Steven G, on Bolton players, as well as not allowing a perfectly good goal at Fulham last year for the simple reason of not liking our kit. (To be fair, he may have had a point on the last one.)

If you see this man, DO NOT APPROACH HIM. He has been known to fly off the handle and throw cards out indiscriminately, as if he believes he is the most important man on the pitch. Just contact your nearest Football Association outlet and let them know that he has got out again.

Please note that he has been seen in the company of a Howard Webb of Sheffield. One is the master, one is the student. We do not yet know which is which.


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