Robbie Blake, Martin Petrov, Some Naked Swedish Twins and a World Cup Round Up……
Well, that was refreshing. There is nothing quite like a nice pre season rest to get the batteries charged before a new training schedule. At least, that`s what John Terry told me down that strip club the other day.
Boredom did take hold however. In fact, I can actually say that ever since we signed the crocked Bulgarian I have not been as bored since that time I was at a conference on steel wire in the Chinese city of Qinhuangdao. That was held entirely in Mandarin Chinese. A language I don`t speak. At a conference I chaired.
But then I had a dream. Well, more of a nightmare really. I dreamt that we had signed a striker so bad he couldn`t even get a regular game at his previous club, a club whose fans don`t have human faces but pig faces that oink at their team whenever they score, although no one has actually seen this phenomenon. They say the striker had once smote a mighty dragon with a big red face and a penchant for a wee dram who lived in the valley near the middle of the nearest biggest city but those days had long gone and now these little pigs with their oinky faces and funny tails live under a ruler with funny Laws and will soon be taken away to be slaughtered at the markets in Leeds, Leicester and Sheffield.
Then I woke up and found we had, indeed, signed Robbie Blake.
Now this one came from so far out of left field it needed one of those large catapults that Wile E. Coyote uses to travel long distances quickly. I understood that we may have been looking to get a North Dingleshire player, but Wolves had already got him. I know that Robbie is held as some sort of hero up at Duff Tour because he scored THAT goal against Stretford early on last season but his record is such that a cow`s arse with a banjo has more chance of scoring. Or as we know him, Johan Elmander.
This is not to denigrate his work rate but he is getting to the time of his life where he makes some of Big Sam`s signings look like they just got out of nappies. St Owen seems to be of the opinion he can be an asset, saying that he has a “bubbly personality” and adds to the striking options. I do hope that this is not the line we go down, getting players looking for one last hurrah. Maybe we can ring up Galilee F.C. and see if one Laza Rus is available. I assume he`s come to play another year as a back up before moving onto the coaching staff. And if it just winds up our friends in Piggyville a little bit, so much the better. And if it doesn`t, who cares. So welcome Robbie. Just don`t expect a game.
Speaking of work rate, Bolton also wrapped up the signing of Martin Petrov as the window opened. Of the Bulgarian, the manager said “He can play on the left, play on the right or behind the main striker, so he has different dimensions to his play. He`s an exciting player, a creator of goals and he`s also a scorer of goals and he`s a tremendous all round player.” Basically, we have found the remedy to our all ills from last season, so we don`t need to sign anyone else.
International news now, because there`s a World Cup on an everything, and it was nice of the Metro yesterday to place Gary “Gaz” Cahill in the back four of its possible England line up for the next World Cup finals. Their thinking was shown to be slightly flawed by putting Ryan Shawcross next to him as a) he is a clogger of the highest order and b) Arsenal fans have still got a jihad out on him. They also mentioned Little Jack Wilshere as a midfield general. No. Brainer.
With the departure of England from the World Cup still stinging and Fat Frank and his friends kicking back with a lager or two and a Cuban (lovely girl, name of Rositta) one brave man has been forced by the FA to put his head above the parapet and shout the merits of Fabio to the press, presumably because he has previous of letting an unpopular manager cling to his job longer than necessary. Yes, Gill Fartslime, of this parish, is the man the FA have selected for Operation Keep Fabio.
Personally, while I think a clear out of England is needed, the manager isn`t one of those who should go, simply because he hasn`t become a bad one overnight. And the fact that Jason “I Never Won Nuffin” Cundy and his mates down at Talknought want it, just makes me want to keep him more. Mr Gartslime, of course, being a master of covering his own back, may well be just covering all his bases so that he can throw Fabio to the angry villagers when they storm the FA with their flaming torches and pitchforks. I just hope when he lands he does so on Cascarino`s head.
As for Bolton`s World Cup troops, it turned out that Stuart Holden`s three games for Bolton equates to ten minutes for the US, Chungy-Wungy was the top scorer for South Korea and gave Argentina a fright, and Danny “The” Shittu and his Nigerian team mates played so badly that they have been taken round the back and shot. Of Nigeria`s abysmal performance in the tournament Jay Jay Okocha, a man who knows about winning stuff for Nigeria as well as in fighting with them, told the BBC “ They`ve underachieved. For me it`s all about character. I don`t think our players have shown enough passion for the game, enough character. The will they want to play for the continent, they want to die for the continent. I didn`t see that.”
Remind you of anyone? Until tomorrow, we remain the most regularly updated Bolton website. And we will remain so tomorrow.
Oh, sorry, couldn’t fit in the Swedes.