Gerald gives his own version of what has been happening in the past week.
‘allo roast beefs It is I, le Cid, giving you my weekly thoughts on zings Bolton. Please, do not think zat this is a lazy stereotype of all things French. I you think zat, I will get Cato to come and beat you up.
So, you struggle against a plucky side from Yorkshire, non? I must say, as I was looking on from my villa, I ‘ad to laugh. All I can say is that, if Cid was playing, York wouldn`t have got zero. I think you know what Cid is trying to say. I see that this was on top of losing a goal lead to Wigan, a game zat you should ave won easily. Your homme, Elmander, he should ave got an ‘at trick but a man as old as my grandmere, he kept you out, non? Merde.
I remember that I once scored in Wigan. Then I ‘ad to go and see le docteur about some warts. It was not nice. Then you go and draw them in the cup. Zut alors. Zey will ‘ave to fumigate the away end if Wigan come again. And zey get more tickets with it being the cup. How are you going to fit the twenty of zem inside?
I read in la paper that David Wheater will be coming to your town. Mon dieu. I know zat since Cid left Bolton, the handsomness factor in Bolton has been reduced by 75%, but do you want it going through ze floor? I would ‘ave thought by selling Nicky Hunt you would have learnt your lesson about ugly footballer. But no, you insist on buying one zat look like Mickey Rourke in Sin City. Or, indeed, one zat look like Mickey Rourke now. Ha, ha. Cid make a little joke.
I see for one small moment zat you thought that Owen Coil was off to the land of ze shell suit? I would not worry about zis. Not until ze summer at least. Zere are many things that he is, but he does not move from club to club just for ze hell of it, especially, ow you say, sideways. I see that Mr Coil`s former club are still looking for a new manager. Zis makes me laugh. There is an obvious candidate. And while I think about it, I ave a word for my former manager, Mr Ginger. And zat word is “unemployable”. Ha, ha. Two jokes in one article. Zat beats Mr X ‘ands down.
Twitter, I ‘ave found, is where many Bolton players and zere wives ave a little chat. I see zat yesterday, Mr X and Mrs Davies ave a little chat about Dirty ‘arry. Or, as he is known in France, l`arry du dirt. I zink I will be aving my own Twitter account. Zen all ze lovely ladies will know ow to get old of me, if you known what Cid means. I will call it @lecidislesexgodoffrance. It is from Twitter zat I found that Cato`s friend, Mr Lee, performed very well in Asian Cup yesterday. Zis gave me ninety minutes of rest before he started jumping out of cupboards at me again. I tell ‘im to do zis as I ‘ave to be at the top of my game when my next football team comes calling. I should be at my best by now. It ‘as been over six months.
Cid must go now. I ‘ave to log on to my website and show all my followers what zey pay for. Until next time, Tope Obadeyi.