Uncle Garty`s Fiendish Scheme – Part 2

Previously on Uncle Garty`s Fiendish Scheme

Bolton Chairman, Wicked Uncle Garty has realised, that in order to stop the club`s progress, he needs to recruit a smaller manager. Step forward, but not very far, Sammy Lee. Part one is Here

There was a problem with appointing Little Sam. Namely, Big Sam. Garty and Duckworth had to concoct a believable story to account for his leaving, and then find him alternative employment. Garty phoned his old friend Freddie Shepherd at Newcastle.

There was a slurping noise on the other end of the line, as Garty explained his monstrous plan. The call had interrupted Fat Freddie`s lunch. Freshly boiled infant, washed down with a gallon of brown ale.

“Haway man,” spluttered Freddie in between mouthfuls, “I can`t employ a manager, give him loads of dosh to spend and then give the job to someone else.”

“It`s never stopped you before,” replied Garty.

So Big Sam got in a helicopter and flew to Newcastle. Little Sam got in a pram and was wheeled to the manager`s office.

Things went swimmingly at first for Garty, although the fans weren`t happy. Bolton lost their first three games of the season and conceded eight goals. They were helped in this by Gerald Cid, a centre-half from Bordeaux who Bolton`s scouts had recommended when they were paralytic on the local vino.

Little Sam`s ideas were strange. He wanted the Wanderers to play better football. It was like trying to get a carthorse to win the Grand National. Garty called Duckworth in for a progress report.

“How`s it going Duckers” he smiled, already knowing the answer.

“It`s awful,” giggled Duckworth, “the lads are in open revolt. Nolan says he doesn`t know what he`s doing, Speedo`s resigned as coach and Campo`s threatening to stay in Spain, next time he goes home for a hair cut.”

Garty was incandescent with glee. His eyes shone and the horns which protruded from his forehead glistened a little more than usual. He let out a maniacal laugh, which frightened the cleaners.

Then slowly, things began to change. Over a six game period in all competitions, the Whites won two, drew three and lost one. The defeat came against Chelsea, who had several players, each of whom cost more than Bolton`s entire squad. Andriy Shevchenko cost more than the Reebok Stadium. Garty summoned Little Sam.

“Things seem to be improving,” he noted, “I see that you`ve dropped that fat munter Nolan.”

“Yeah,” said Little Sam, “Kev`s a good lad. He`s just needs a rest. He`s not been plotting against me at all.”

“You still lost though.”

“Yes, but there were plenty of positives,” said Sammy.

“Too many for my liking,” barked Garty, “you`re fired.” He pointed his index finger at Sammy as he said it. He`d seen Alan Sugar do that on the Apprentice and thought it looked cool.

Once more, the search for the man to take the Wanderers down began. The board had a brainstorming session, with each member writing down one characteristic of a bad manager on a piece of paper and handing it to Garty. He read them out one by one.

“Ugly. Ginger. Bad hair”

Clearly they`d been influenced by Steve McClaren.

“Jug ears. Poor motivator. Can`t pick a team. Rubbish at tactics. Relegation expert.” Garty smiled.

“Thank you gentlemen, I know just the man we`re looking for.”



Part 3 is Here