Memo to Jay!

“Switch off the intercom, Phil. I’ve heard enough!” Eddie’s face was a picture, as the words of manager, Dougie Freedman began to slowly sink in. His chairman flicked the switch and the room went deathly quiet again. “I suspected from day one, something was wrong, but couldn’t put me finger on it,” he continued. “Do you think he’s still in contact with Coyle?”

“Why….What do you mean?”

“I can see it now. Clear as a bell!”

The chairman was all ears. “Go on!”

“Well, let’s not forget that Coyle recommend the job to Freedman in the first place! Maybe they planned it together. Do a crap job like Owen did, get the sack and ‘bingo’ split the proceeds! What a set-up!….Nearly a quarter of a million smackers each!…Easily done! Especially with Dougie getting his mates on board as well to help him. Smart move that. You have to give him credit.”

Gartside grimaced, “God, if you’re right, how dumb could we be? Let’s face it, when you look at him, he’s such a baby face!”

“Yeh!….Baby faced assassin, more like!….Trouble is we’ve never done an underhand thing in our lives. Allus followed it by the book! Straight as a die! In fact, ‘die-hard’ northerners. What you see is what you get with us! I just wish everyone else was the same!” With that, Eddie flicked a bit of errant lobster from lunch off his sleeve and proceeded to light a fat cigar.

“That’s true!” coughed Phil. He hated it when his boss lit up. “It just goes to show, you can’t trust people, even when you think you know them!” He quickly wiped his eyes and blew his nose, before depositing his hanky back in his breast pocket…”Why do you think Coyle took the Wigan job in the first place, if he was due a packet from Dougie? Doesn’t make sense! Why put yourself and your reputation on the line?”

“What reputation!” sneered Eddie.

Phil grinned back wickedly, “Yeah! Well, what I can’t figure out is why he went and brought Dawson in so quickly. Nearly ruined the whole show, that did. The team began playing really well. Great results!”

Eddie flicked some redundant ash on the Axminster. “Yeh, but if you remember, he made sure he cocked up the last game against Blackpool that year! Picked a crap team. No chance then of reaching the play-offs!…..Crafty bugger!”

“Too right! What`s our next move then, boss?”

Eddie took a long drag on the cigar and blew a cloud of blue smoke into the air. Then he held up a restraining hand, while he buzzed his new secretary in the adjoining room. A smile creased his face. “Gemma….get in here!”

Gemma was a buxom twenty-two year old, wearing a low top and short skirt. Her official BWFC uniform! When she was comfortable on Eddie’s knee, he said, “Memo to the first-team squad. No one else to know, right!”

“Yes, Mr Davies,” her pen poised.

“Operation Euxton!….From tomorrow, all first-teamers must point-blankly refuse to follow management instructions! Basically, that means during training, no passing backwards under any circumstances, whether Dougie’s watching or not! Everyone, no matter what position, to shoot on sight! Yes, that means you as well, Chungy! There’s a bonus for anyone scoring more than ten goals in a session.

Make sure you pass to a colleague at all times, preferably forward! And secondly, make sure it reaches him! Did you get that, Skipper? Trotter and Pratley…..You can both run the line. This isn’t meant for you!

Finally, Craig and in particular Jermaine, you can stop missing the goals now on purpose! I want you to start scoring freely – at will! I want to see forty goals between you by next May……Oh, and by the way, half a million pound bonus for the squad if we reach the play-offs, this year!….My treat!…Right fire that off to the first-team dressing room, pronto!…..And remember, not a word to Dougie!”

“Good thinking, boss! That should do the trick!”

“Yes, I doubt whether he will be leaving us now before his contract’s up, do you!”

Phil rubbed his grubby fingers together, “Is it a hundred million a year, they get now in the Prem, Eddie?”

WRITTEN BY Barney Grumble.

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